I knew that becoming a mama would not be easy. I wanted to be a mama for as long as I can remember. So I read, and read and read to try to prepare myself. But, oh darling, there is nothing you can do to prepare for motherhood. Nothing prepares you for sleep deprivation- not even your college years. And, absolutley nothing prepares you for watching your child cry it out.
I was told that I’d never (never) sleep the same again. I’m sure I believed them at the time. I just assumed they meant the first 3 months. Silly ol’ me! Let’s just say it’s been a pretty rough stretch as I mentioned in my last post. I felt my body was slowly slipping away. I couldn’t find the energy to do even the simple things.
Last night was day one of our sleep training. And I was already trying to come up with reasons on why we should push back a day or two. Thankfully, my husband didn’t allow me. We put Chloe down while she was still awake. It was only 10 minutes after her feeding (I know they say 20 mintues, but baby steps for us.) and she was groggy. She was down……for about an 40 minutes, and then it began! She woke and immediatley started crying and screaming. Around the 2 minute mark she was screaming bloody murder. It was heart wrenching and it was killing me (yes, it had only been 2 minutes). Around 3-4 minutes my tears began to flood my face. I was doubting what I was doing, asking God if this was right or not. I felt like the worst mama in the world. As my husband tried to comfort me, I just sat there wondering how long I could do possibly do this. My mama insticnt was to run up there, wrap her in my arms and kiss her profusely. But, I didn’t.
My husband went up first. He tried patting her and telling her it was ok. Her cries were painful to hear, even for my husband. Chloe was crying so hard she could barely catch her breath. He decided to pick her up and try to calm her. We decided in that moment to take the more gradual approach. There was no way we could just sit there and watch her cry that intensely and not grab her. We did this pick up and put back down a few times. Each time her crying began to lessen (thank the lord). Around 1 and 1/2 hours later, she was down. Still sobbing in her sleep. (breaking me piece by piece)
I understand, we can be doing this all wrong by what the “specialist” say. But, pick and put down method worked for us. This was the first night she didn’t sleep in our bed. Did I still have to wake up to give her the paci a few times, yes! I’m ok with that. She went rest of the night with just one feeding at 2am and up again for paci at 3am and then up at 5:15am. So did I get much sleep, not really. But I do see a light at the end of the tunnel.
We are new at this and just taking it one day at a time. I have to say, we could be doing this all wrong, but our baby is upstairs at this moment napping in her CRIB for the first time without me runnning uspstairs to grab her. This mama made herself a hearty oatmeal and fruit brekky, and had time to write to you. It’s been 2 hours and she has not woken once.
This is the first time EVER since the day we brought her home that I have had two hours of total free time. (ugh, does this mean I will not have an excuse to do the lanudry?) That is a small WIN in my book. I see a few glimmers of hope this morning. Thank you Lord for hearing my prayers. This will not last forever. So look out world! Mama is getting her energy back to conquer the world. I see pieces of my life that were broken down right will soon be back!
Until then, I raise my coffee mug to all of you mamas going through sleep deprivation. We’ll get through this together. From one not sleeping mama to another, we got this! One day this will all just be a memory.
Keep sending prayers and words of encouragement!
If you want to read more on this method see link below. Again, I am adjusting wherever I need to. Just listening to my babies needs.